Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
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Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.