[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
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A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”