Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
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Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
I don’t think my car can fly
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
LOL!