Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
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This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
Dyslexics are teople poo!
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?