Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
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The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
Lmao 🤣
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
congratulations to them
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”