PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
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My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.