*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
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Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
The prophecy is fulfilled
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?