me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
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Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
😏😏😏
#titanic
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.