Good morning!
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reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming