Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
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medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
set yourself free xox
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.