I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
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Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!