hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
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My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.