HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
You Might Also Like
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
When you’ve simply given up.
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.