So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
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Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
happy friday
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.