poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
You Might Also Like
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
the council will decide your fate
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?