When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
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I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN