If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
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I see that your IQ test came back negative.
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
When you’re Kinky but poor
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.