When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
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captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter