[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
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Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
The real reason evolution started..😂
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*