I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
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Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?