WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
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Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
vegan witches, happy halloween!
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?