no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
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My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
this is the most humiliating day of my life
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???