I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
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People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
Holy shit he’s back
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.