ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
You Might Also Like
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
We cut our bangs at dawn.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.