Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
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I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
no refunds
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.