“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
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ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
I’m sure it’s fine.
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
new wife guy just dropped
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica