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Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?