Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
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Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.