It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
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Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.