I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
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Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
My dad is at it again
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
War & Peace
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target