I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
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Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
My background check bounced.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
the composer
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
“you recording!?”
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!