[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
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Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
(Musicians.)
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog