Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
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I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
me irl
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅