Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
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The perfect label doesn’t exi-
me irl
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
Not even remotely sorry.
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.