Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
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violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point