Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
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If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.