interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
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My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
selfie game
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy