Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
You Might Also Like
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?