WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
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good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
I enjoy a good short stor
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
How software testing works
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
The three genders
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.