trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
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She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
me and who
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.