This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
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Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.