If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
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Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
The pasta is now
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
In Canada they just call them geese
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.