Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
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My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
caveman inventor: i just invented the wheel
caveman opinion writer: here’s how the wheel is a bad idea for mankind
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!