Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
You Might Also Like
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱