An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
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“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
Why font matters.
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me