I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
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POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
I have never heard an armadillo before.
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!