Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
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It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after