My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
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I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
Me, flirting😏
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
the official breakfast of 2021
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool