I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
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cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
Taliband
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
this has done me in for some reason
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding