On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
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Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!